A PHOTO

I CAN CRY TO THIS REPLY :’( So much feels over sports day, but the worst is feeling old! And not seeing my juniors get the victory they deserve.

A TEXT POST

Back to square 1

The anxiety. The fear. Some things just don’t get better.

A TEXT POST

Grace

So many thoughts clouding my mind right now and I don’t know what this feeling is. However, I must say that I am blessed. Blessed beyond words. On this rainy Friday night, I am definitely feeling God’s presence and it’s been awhile since I felt this way. Finally able to accept my BK results, although it pains me so much every now and then. I know people say that SPM results will come to mean nothing in time, but this subject is something that is close to my heart. I believe this is what I deserve though, and I regret so much because I know I could have done it. I’m sorry, God. I’m sorry for only giving You my best 1.5 years late. What’s worse is that I could not be grateful enough for my other results, that I could not thank You wholeheartedly like I should have. You’ve given me more than enough, the financial help I needed, and yes, what I deserve. Thank You.

Words cannot express how grateful and blessed I am for the friends i have around me. The support, the encouragement, the visits, the random + enjoyable conversations and the help- it’s just amazing. The things my friends do or say to me sometimes :’) Blessed to have my younger brother as well, my major source of joy, motivation and entertainment. This week, I am especially grateful for rekindled friendships (it’s been awhile, old buddies!) and new friends that i can click with. Though there is disappointment sometimes, I know it’s part of life and of course, no one is perfect.

Something hit me today- Never underestimate the power of prayer. It was such a great reminder, something I needed after being so caught up in my own thoughts. And being prayed over by someone else, is truly amazing! Blessed and thankful for something so unexpected! I’ve always been so terrified because i have no clue on what to do in the future, and when I say no clue, I really mean it. (I’ve only ruled out engineering) But today, I have hope, hope that God will reveal his answer to me soon. I have hope that a miracle will happen somehow. Life’s gonna get tougher and crazier, and I’m relying on Your strength! Thank You for showing me how real You are, God. 

Sigh, so glad to be back in my second home. *contented*

A TEXT POST

Lesson learnt

This is what I get for being so bloody innocent and not believing that anyone can be so terrible, or even lie so much. What the shit, seriously. This is so unfair. I definitely don’t deserve this but let this be a lesson. Yes, let this be a lesson. God help me :( help me see Your plans for me in this. Let this be over quick.

A TEXT POST

Goodbye

I want to believe that you’re still here. But the painful truth is, you’re not. I need you, life already feels 10 times harder without you by my side. It hurts too much when I think about the coming days, because your absence at home will definitely be felt. It hurts as much when I think about the past- how you’ve always been there, how you entertain, annoy, and teach me. You’re an amazing brother, no doubt, and I miss you more than ever. I’ve just been too used to seeing you everyday. Hoping you’d do well in your studies, being the genius you are. I wish I could be strong, but this is really breaking my heart.

A TEXT POST

Reunion

The same excitement. The same faces. The same activities. Some things never change. Or maybe, change comes slowly, gradually- that it is almost unnoticeable. Or do we choose to ignore it?

First of all I must explain that my grandmother has 10 children, meaning my dad has 10 siblings, so imagine how many cousins I have! As sad as I was that two of the families (which my closest cousins are in) weren’t coming back for this Chinese New Year, I must say I was pretty shocked at my own excitement before I went back to my hometown. I was so excited I couldn’t focus during lessons in college!

Two hours of badminton, two reunion dinners, picture session, playing cards (but not gambling) and sparklers, home cooked meals and lots and lots of talking, stories, and quality conversations. Yes, the usual laughter.

But what made this year so different despite this usual tradition of ours was the impact of the stories, how it left not only the younger generation with such awe and inspiration, but also the older generation with more respect and appreciation for each other. The love, the bond, the unity and success- that’s the outcome of the hardships my dad and his 10 siblings went through. With a big family, there’s bound to be many challenges and sacrifices, what more when they were so poor last time. As all the uncles and aunties told their stories, there were all kinds of reactions. Some amazed, some shocked as they just found out things about each other after more than a few decades, most laughing at how ridiculous the stories were, but above all these, everyone was touched. Touched to the extent that it brought moments of silence, warmth, moments where we all lifted our glasses to cheer and show appreciation for someone, and even tears.

It’s so amazing, really, how the moment we get back to our old comfy house in our hometown, my dad and his brothers get to work asap. Despite their age, ranging from 50-70 years old, they work tirelessly to get everything ready. They mop the floor, they cook, they clean, they buy food, they literally do everything. My cousins and I just talk, play and eat, but they do everything. They also have their usual badminton game, and it is so heartbreaking that they give their all but the fact that they’re old limits their agility and movement. They play too well for their age, and watching them play, I just wish that they could run without feeling that ache in every inch of their movement.

Change is indeed happening, and it scares me so much that one day, we all won’t come back. One of my cousin’s has two kids (yes I am already an aunt) and the others are getting married- not surprising as my oldest cousin is 36 years old. There’s already so much to reminisce on, and I can’t imagine how much more there will be as the years go by. I’m more than grateful for my huge family, and amazed at how strong the bond is although we might not know each other that well, personally. Nothing can replace the times we’ve had together, and I wish I could tell the whole world how beautiful my family is. Reunions will always have a place in my heart. Yes, it gets different every year. The difference is so small sometimes that we don’t realize it, we choose not to think about it- but I know for a fact that some things never change. Some things never change.

And I hold on to that.

A TEXT POST

Two zero one four

Mixed emotions on the first day of the year, but what’s new? Moving on to a new phase of life and closing a chapter of my life. Sadness is inevitable on this day, what more when you’re left alone to think. I know you have to look forward to something new, but at the same time, I am looking forward to what remains the same this year (hopefully, some friendships, habits, etc) 2013 has been amazing! The people, the experiences, the memories, the events, the challenges, the goodbyes, the fun times and everything. This year is going to be tough. It’s not merely a statement, or a guess, but it’s a fact. But no matter what, look forward.

A TEXT POST

Words

"Don’t be a bitter person, be the better person."

These words came to me as I prayed while walking around my housing area this morning. Something I should definitely keep in mind when I’m feeling down. Plus there are just so many things to be thankful for! It’s been a great year no doubt :’) so blessed.

A TEXT POST

Let your heart be light

How joyful, how great and above all feelings how overwhelming is it that Christmas is here! I never thought it would come what with how terribly challenging this year has been. As I lie down on the floor of my jamming room at 1.30am, facing the elegant glass wall, I hope. I hope that I can see things clearer, see my future, see Your plans for me. It’s ironic how I am thinking of everything- from college to my future job to friendships to my destruction crew to my family and what not, yet only one song is in my mind.

'Have yourself a merry little christmas, let your heart be light. From now on our troubles will be out of sight.'

I wish it was that easy. Sigh, optimism Megan!

A TEXT POST

Searching

The desire to find myself in this whirlwind of thoughts and petty, unnecessary emotions is strong, this unfulfilling daily routine of mine makes me feel so empty, so meaningless, so.. Comfortable, yet being comfortable is uncomfortable. Oh the irony. Who knew life after spm would be like this, I for one definitely did not see this coming, and by ‘this’ I mean, being so lost and purposeless, to sum it all up. I’m losing it- losing my sense of direction in life, losing people, and losing You, God. I know You never left me but I don’t feel close to You. There are so many things I am avoiding, using my mountain of chores as an excuse (though I am responsible to do all of that) and most importantly I am avoiding thinking about my future. I don’t know why I am still pursuing the sciences, I don’t know if that was a rash decision, merely because it seems right. Every day of my life is supposed to be meaningful, purposeful, fulfilling and joyful, what more when we’re in this Christmas season. I have to make an effort to do something extraordinary everyday, somehow influence others in a good way, figure things out and show love and appreciation to others. Because only then I am living life. Only then life becomes something. Only then, a purpose can be somewhat found.